


Some things are louder than a Heartbeat

by Malamander



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 5 + 1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Black Paladin Keith (Voltron), Clone Shiro Sucks, Everyone is a Good Friend, Exactly (2) swear words, He also likes to sing, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance Needs a Hug, Multi, Overuse of the words heart/heartbeat, Pining Lance (Voltron), Protective Keith (Voltron), Red Paladin Lance (Voltron), Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Space Uncle Coran (Voltron), Space family is best family, lance does yoga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25761754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malamander/pseuds/Malamander
Summary: Five times Lance wanted to confide in his friends when he had the chance, and the one time he did.
Relationships: Allura & Coran & Hunk & Keith & Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt & Shiro, Allura & Lance (Voltron), Coran & Lance (Voltron), Hunk & Lance (Voltron), Keith & Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron), Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt, Lance & Shiro (Voltron), Mentioned - Adam/Shiro (Voltron), One-Sided Allura/Lance (Voltron) - Relationship
Comments: 41
Kudos: 255





	1. The weight of war (Coran)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance almost dies on their first day of being paladins, now he's beginning to see how likely it is that they might not all make it back.

Lance’s body felt heavy, like his bones were made of concrete and being weighed down. He felt constricted by it.

He could barely piece together a coherent thought, focusing as much as he could on at least opening his eyes. He tried to blink, the smallest light peeking through with each quiver of his eyelashes, but the sweat that had clung to them kept them closed.

He couldn’t hear what was happening around him, the only thing audible was the faint words he was unable to decipher. He thought that maybe someone had been talking to him, but he couldn’t think of who it might be.

He could feel himself being carried, so he focused on that feeling. He focused on the arms under his legs and supporting his head, the warm torso was pressed against. It was grounding, and safe, so he curled into it.

There was more talking, this time it was closer, he figured it was the person who was carrying him.

He tried to lift his head, to respond, or to say thank you, but he found that he didn’t have the strength. His body felt too weak, and his mind could barely keep up. He just focused on the warmth, letting himself go limp.

After a few seconds of this, his mind began to blur and darken, the points of contact he had been focusing on becoming numb.

The numbness crawled all over his body, making him feel light and heavy all at once. He dropped like he was falling, without the strength to fight it.

So he just let himself fall.

****

_He smiled as rover hovered into the room with a little chirp, giving him a wave as he passed. He looked to face the door again, expecting Pidge to come through after._

_When he only saw Coran ahead, he peered down the hall to see how far away she was, hoping to take a small piece of the food he knew she would have._

_But there was no Pidge as far as he could see, and he raised an eyebrow._

_That was weird, he thought. Why would rover be in here without Pidge?_

_He turned to find his answer._

_He saw that rovers green lighting had somehow changed to red, and he had watched enough movies to know that it was a bad sign. He squinted his eyes to see that he was also plugged into the crystal behind them. Then he heard beeping._

_He turned back to Coran in a panic, he was only a few steps away, so Lance decided quickly. He launched himself on top of him with a shout, shielding most of Coran’s body from the explosion._

_It hit his back hard, and threw him downwards with more force, smoke filling the room and clouding his vision._

_As his head made contact with the ground, he saw black._

****

_Lance woke with hazy eyes, feeling like they would fall from his head if he kept them open for too long, and his body was on fire. It burned across his back, pressed against the wall and feeling tender._

_He lifted his head gingerly, hoping to gain some understanding of what was happening around him, and he saw in front of him a large figure._

_It was moving._

_It seemed to be fighting, jumping and moving around the room. He could barely see from behind the brightness of the red lights, but he knew well enough to see that it wasn’t a good thing._

_His mind raced as he remembered where he was, only needing that to act in the moment._

_He reached for his Bayard, heart rate picking up, and aimed it at the larger figure. He hoped distantly that it wasn’t Shiro, and he took a shot at their arm._

_He was getting ready to take another, but the adrenaline had subsided some, and his upper back burned deeper. The pain ran up his spine in a sharp jolt, and he let out a whimper, dropping his gun._

_****_

_Lance was sitting up the next time he had become conscious past his hazy state. He couldn’t remember for the life of him how he had gotten there, the memory of it seemed lost to him. He tried to remember, but it made his body ache, and the pain in his back gave him a stinging reminder._

_He must have shown it on his face, because he had felt something warm on his shoulder press down a little harder. The feeling of something in his hand becoming prominent with a squeeze._

_He saw that someone was staring down at him, adorning a kind smile. For some reason he felt himself smile back, uttering words he couldn’t hope to remember._

_He squinted to try and make out some of their features, catching their pale complexion and dark eyes. He could see a lot of red also, he hoped faintly it wasn’t blood, but he knew it was to orderly to be._

_Red, now who was red?_

_It took him a second to realise who he was looking at, when he felt himself slip into unconsciousness again._

_He was looking at Keith._

****

The next time Lance woke it was colder.

He felt cold as he stumbled forward into nothing.

For a moment he was scared, a prickling sensation running up his arm. It felt like ice, stinging as it reached his neck. He felt crowded with nothing, like the emptiness had become too big.

He felt alone.

He didn’t know where he was, or what had happened. He could remember pain though, the prickling crawled across his back, creating a dull ache over his body.

He blinked rapidly, clearing his blurry vision as best he could, swaying to each side. He saw that his friends were ahead of him, and relief flooded his chest.

None of them were facing him, all of their backs turned, but he was too exhausted to really think about it.

They were all huddled together, looking at something he couldn’t see past their shoulders. He felt a small pang of hurt in his chest.

Confused, he stumbled closer, now able to make out the objects in their hands. They looked like... clocks?

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you guys having a clock party?”

Hunk turned to him with a frown, and Lance wanted to back away, but all too quickly he was swept into a tight hug. It was tight, and felt relieved, finally making the coldness across his body thaw into something softer. Something warmer.

He smiled and patted Hunks arm after being released from his hug, leaning heavily on him for support.

He noticed that everyone was there now, head clearing enough to see all of their faces. His eyes scanned them all briefly, before catching on Keith.

Lance stared at Keith for a little longer than the other, like he was trying to figure something out, and he supposed he was. He just didn’t know what.

His attention shifted when Allura placed a hand on his shoulder, meeting his eyes with a concerned frown. The gesture made his heart stutter.

She asked him a question, and it seemed genuine, so of course Lance had to ruin it. He told her a pick up line, quite a good one in his mind, but Allura only sighed and turned away.

He knows it was what he should have expected, but he felt himself frown at the loss of contact none the less.

He didn’t really know what he wanted from her; he just knew that he wanted. 

So he convinced himself that he had only tried to lighten the mood.

****

“And apparently I emerged from a coma and shot his arm off.”

Keith visibly seethed across from him, eyebrows furrowing along with his harsh frown. “We had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!”

“Nope, don’t remember, didn’t happen!”

Lance turned his attention back to feeding the mice. He thought that maybe that was what Lance had been searching for in Keith, that ‘moment’ they had had.

He only remembered the smiling, and Keith’s face. It was blurry, and made no sense, but it made him feel a little happier when he thought about it, which confused him most. It was confusing how strongly he remembered the feeling, the weird feeling he couldn’t place. What would they even talk about if Lance said he did remember?

He didn’t want to talk about it. It was strange and didn’t make sense, he felt weird thinking about it, he didn’t know why but he didn’t want to. So he decided not to bring it up.

****

When everyone was done with their dinner, and heading to their respective rooms, Lance decided he needed a moment to de-stress.

He did almost die, and, wow. He almost died.

He had almost died on their first day of being paladins.

On their first day.

He would have never been able to see his family again, he would have died not knowing if they were okay, or them knowing that he was okay. He would have died scared and alone, barely having begun fighting a war he knew next to nothing about.

He didn’t like to think about it, it was depressing, and pointless to worry over when worry could change nothing. But Lance was just a kid, up in space with a war machine and no idea what he was really doing.

He didn’t want to think about it because it was the truth.

Any one of them could die, at any time. Cold and scared and alone.

Heck, he had thought that Hunk had died before the two of them had even managed to get the yellow lion out of its cave. He though Hunk had been blown up by all of those galra as Lance could do nothing but watch.

Watch as his best friend died right before his eyes, and for a few minutes, he had thought that he had just lost him. Unable to do anything but watch.

Those few minutes were probably the worst of Lance’s entire life, and he knew next time wouldn’t be just minutes.

He had known that there was always a possibility they would die, as is the nature of war. He wasn’t stupid. But he had never really given it much thought until it was slapped in his face, too amazed by good things about everything.

He didn’t want his new friends to die.

_He_ didn’t want to die.

But he was beginning to see that one of two those options may become a reality, any day they were out here. Any time they fought in a battle.

So he needed to de-stress.

Coran had caught him on his way out of his room.

He had changed into some Altean clothes he had found in his wardrobe, they were like yoga clothes, Lance thought it was a good idea to do some yoga, stretch his aching body.

He used to do it a lot with his family, watching weird yoga videos with his siblings as a joke, and doing sun salutations with his mama in the lounge. It was something he was used to, before the garrison.

It had been more of an ironic thing with his siblings, but he knew his mama loved it, so he would always turn to it at the garrison whenever he was sad and missed his home.

It was a bittersweet memory now, but he wanted to feel closer to his family. He was sure at least one of them would be doing it with him, even from the other side of the universe.

Well, it was either yoga, or singing, which his family loved to do, Lance included.

But he didn’t really want to get caught with Keith on the other side of the wall. Mullet would never let him live it down.

Hence, yoga.

He smiled when Coran greeted him, tapping his shoulder almost sheepishly. Lance gestured for them to walk.

“What’s up Coran?”

The other man sighed, looking at him with sincerity. Lance had a feeling he knew where he was headed. “I wanted to thank you for what you did. You saved my life, without hesitation, and you barely even know me! It was very brave.”

He smiled bashfully, feeling his cheeks head at the praise. He coughed awkwardly. “Oh, you’re welcome. I was just doing my paladin duty! But uh, you’re cool, and I wouldn’t want you to die.”

He wouldn’t want any of them to die.

The image of a dead Coran on the floor flashed in his mind. It made him feel slightly sick, imagining all of the blood and bruises, but he blinked the thought away harshly, staring at Coran like some sort of confirmation he was still there. That he was being irrational.

But he wasn’t being irrational, it wouldn’t take much for any of them to die, open wounds seeping blood onto the floor. Lance was never a big fan of blood, but he absolutely hated the idea of seeing one of his friends blood pooling around their corpse.

He hated the fact that it could happen, it was so likely to happen.

He hated how unprepared he was for it all.

Coran beamed at him, eyes alight with something Lance couldn’t trace. “Ah yes, paladin duty my boy! Where are you heading?”

He just smiled again, gesturing vaguely down the hall as he weaved thought it. “I was going to do some yoga, you wanna join?”

He watched as Coran’s features twisted in confusion, staring intently at the lines in his face, the _life_ in his face. His heart picked up hopefully when Coran nodded. “Yes, I think some yoga would be fun!”

The two of them walked into the training room in silence, and Lance immediately headed off to scour the place for anything that even resembled a mat, trying to distract his mind.

He was being silly, everyone else seemed unbothered. It was just because he had not too long ago been out of a pod. He was probably just frazzled. He just needed something to distract him.

When he found something similar to what he was looking for he dragged it out to where Coran was standing, adjusting it on the floor with sharp movements.

“This was the closest I could get to a mat, so we’ll have to make do.”

Coran nodded thoughtfully, fiddling with the ends of his moustache. “Great, just one question. What is yuga?”

Lance smiled toothily, barely containing a shake of his head. “It’s a human way to calm yourself, or to exercise. And it’s yoga, not yuga.”

He lifted a leg to tuck under his crotch and raised his arms in the air, performing a typical tree pose. This reminded him of home, when his siblings used to have a competition of who could stay a tree the longest, or of who could do the coolest pose. Lance never won the patience challenge of the tree pose, but he was very good at the theatrics of the fancy poses.

“We can just skip sun salutations, perdoname mama. I’ll show you some of my favourite poses, take your shoes off and stand on the mat.” (Forgive me mama.)

Coran did as he was told, first taking off his shoes, and then standing in alignment with Lance, so they were facing each other.

Lance tried not to let his mind wonder, but as he looked at Coran across from him, he remembered that he had been only one decision away from death. If Lance hadn’t made the right choice, or hadn’t been fast enough-

“Er, Lance, are we going to do something or is this yoga? Which is very relaxing, but it is just standing here. Why are you standing like that?”

Lance gave him a weak smile. “Copy me, and then we can do some more difficult poses.”

Coran copied Lances movements, almost perfectly on his first try. He was a little impressed.

Turns out Coran was sort of a natural at yoga, able to bend and move almost as well as Lance could. He also seemed to be enjoying himself, which was as much as Lance had hoped for.

“This is quite the activity Lance, we never had anything like this on Altea. Do you do this often?”

Lance hummed, shifting his feet. “Only sometimes, my mama liked it a lot, so I would do it with her.”

He smiled. “That sounds nice, do you think this could be a good bonding exercise then, if you did it with your mother?”

Lance changed his pose again, Coran following suit, and he nodded. He was sure Hunk and Shiro would enjoy it, maybe even Allura. He hoped Allura would like it, they could even do paired poses together. The thought made him blush.

“Yeah, I think so. You can even do poses in pairs. I can show you if you’d like?”

Coran beamed, moving to stand. “Sounds like a plan!”

The two of them continued to chat and change poses for a while after that, Lance didn’t really bother to keep track of the time.

It had him distracted, he was smiling and laughing, he was having fun. He didn’t feel so down anymore, with Corans company.

He thought that maybe this had made the two of them closer than they had been before too, it made him smile. Yoga would be a great bonding activity.

They had only stopped when Keith had walked into the training area, waving awkwardly and then ignoring them completely.

He smiled. “Thanks for that Coran, it was fun.”

Coran nodded his head, Lance watched as he slipped on his shoes again. “The pleasure was mine, perhaps we can do this next for a bonding exercise!”

Lance smiled smugly, crossing his arms. “Yeah, I could totally pair up with Allura.”

Coran gave him a sharp look, and Lance scuttled away to put the mat back where he had found it.

They left the training room together, Coran now seeming unbothered by Lances theatrics. Lance released a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Coran nodded to a hallway as the approached it, stopping to turn to him. “This is where we part ways for today, I’ll see you tomorrow at breakfast my boy! And… if you needed someone to talk to, I can always lend an ear.”

Lance felt his heart rate spike at the words, and he smiled gratefully. “Thank you Coran, same goes for you.”

He hummed. “So you are doing okay after yesterday?”

Lances mind went back to the event, remembering it all at once, but he pushed it down as his heart beat faster, nodding with a grin. “Hey, I’m doing great. I even have some battle scars to show for it, ladies love those.”

Coran chuckled at his statement, going along easily. He patted his shoulder fondly. “I’m glad then number three. See you tomorrow!”

Lance watched Coran’s back as he walked down the hall, thinking bitterly that his back instead of Lance’s own, could have ended up with a scar on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading!
> 
> So I may have referenced Yuga from bnha,,,, cause I love him.
> 
> Each chapter will be a different character, the + 1 being Keith. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	2. A change of place (Pidge)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is bummed about the lion swap, finding he has no real place in the team.
> 
> Pidge catches him sulking late at night.

_Lance clambered into the Black lion on shaking legs, heart beating loudly in his ears. Voltron had just been successful in battle, winning almost by the skin of their teeth, it was one of the hardest they had faced before, and no one came out unscathed. They were ready to be relieved, sit back and exhale, but something was off about the Black lion, and Shiro._

_Their worries were solidified when their calls went unanswered through the comms._

_They had taken the Black lion back to the castle as quickly as they could muster, all of them rushing out of their own lions to go to Shiro’s aid._

_Keith was running ahead of everyone else and looking more scared than Lance had ever seen him before. He didn’t like that look on Keith’s face, the prominent fear and desperation, edging on hopelessness._

_When they had all reached the cockpit, it took him a moment to realise what he was seeing._

_The emptiness of the pilots chair._

_He stared at the space where Shiro should have been sitting, blank and open and terrifying._

_It seemed to stare back, reminding him that he was right to be scared on their first day._

_Because now Shiro was gone. And Lance had only watched._

_****_

_Lance adjusted his body, his back pressing firmly to the back of the seat. The team had decided that it was time for a new Black paladin, Lance had readily volunteered._

_His nerves were on fire as he leaned forward to take a hold of the steering, squeezing them tightly once they were in his hands._

_But he felt wrong to be sitting there, every inch of his body was uncomfortable, like a puzzle piece being slotted into a place it didn’t belong._

_He supposed maybe he was that, and ill-fitting puzzle piece, but that didn’t stop him from wanting it. He wanted it so badly._

_He wanted to lead Voltron, to be someone reliable and trustworthy for people to look up to, or at least for people to be proud of._

_He wanted to be the one people could turn to, he had always admired Shiro for it, ever since he was young, and he wanted to be able to do it too. He wanted to be the Black paladin._

_And he felt horrible for it._

_He wanted the place of a dead man, of his dead friend, more than he had wanted anything before._

_He wanted to leave his lion, he wanted to be selfish._

_He felt the want in him across his whole body as he willed the Black lion to respond._

_But there was only silence._

_He would never admit to anyone that he had cried that day. Cried for his dead friend, for his inability to be enough. For his selfishness._

_He walked out sombre, but he refused to let it show on his face._

_The only one yet to try was Keith, and Lance had a feeling he knew what was going to happen._

_****_

_He was beginning to understand that being the Black paladin was far from what Keith had wanted. He never seemed to want it, the weight of leadership, he had always shown distaste to the idea, even now. Lance felt like a fool for not seeing it sooner._

_Keith only wanted for Shiro to lead them, and now that Shiro was lost, Keith was the one to replace him._

_Lance couldn’t begin to think of how absolutely bitter Keith must be feeling. How angry he was. But he could sympathize._

_As much as Lance wished he could pilot Black, Keith wished he didn’t have to, but the universe has a funny way of working things out._

_Black chose Keith, despite everything else, Keith was now their leader._

_Somehow he knew that Keith was the right choice, even if he didn’t understand why, something in him was telling him that he would be a great leader._

_Lance could trust the Black lion._

_And Lance could trust Keith._

_****_

_Lance stood there, staring up at Blue as she kept her barrier up._

_He pleaded with her to let it down, to let him in, but she didn’t budge. Not even a little bit._

_This feeling was like the opposite of what he had felt when they first found her, he felt a door open then, something inviting, promising and warm._

_This was the door being closed._

_He felt alone now, like the string had been cut. The absence of Blue in his mind had become much more prominent the more time he spent pressed against the shield keeping him out. He was terrified of what that might have meant._

_He thought back to moments that might warrant this, his mind flashed to the Black lion._

_He wondered if she had felt his desperation, if she was upset with him._

_Or maybe if she had simply lost interest in him._

_If she could be inside of his mind then she must have known how much she meant to him. She made him feel special, he loved her with all his heart._

_It felt surreal the connection they had shared, the fact that out of everyone in the universe, Lance and Blue were made paladin and lion. One of the strongest bonds anything could form._

_He thought they had a strong bond, he felt so secure in it._

_And here she was, barrier up and unmoving._

_Her eyes were now much more vacant, no longer seeking him out in the room. Or following him like they had in the cave._

_Allura had showed up not long after, He wondered if Blue’s eyes would follow her._

_Almost as quickly a roar sounded off in the distance, Lance felt it tremble in his whole being, lighting something inside of him._

_He turned his head towards it, and felt another door being opened._

_It was the Red lion._

_His body was urged to go towards it, stronger than what he would have expected._

_The feeling of Red flooded his mind, loud and red hot. So much different from Blue._

_He looked back at Allura, then he ran._

_His feet pounded on the floor with force of his steps, Red purring in his mind. She seemed impatient, so sure of herself. Lance didn’t know what to think._

_He gave Blue a fleeting glance then, staring at her longingly._

_He didn’t know how long his door to her would stay closed, he wondered if it would ever open again. He was scared, knowing that he had just lost her, he wasn’t prepared._

_He turned around, with an aching heart. This felt like a goodbye._

_When he had reached the Red lions chamber, she was waiting for him, barrier down and yellow eyes alight._

_He looked at her for a moment, before she urged him to climb inside._

_There was only one thing that he saw when he looked at her then, he couldn’t get it out of his head._

_Keith’s lion._

****

_Blue had chosen Allura to be her next paladin, and Lance didn’t know how to feel about it._

_He was happy for her, he really, truly was. She was getting what she had wanted, even if she hadn’t said much about it, he knew that she had wanted to fly a lion. To be a paladin._

_Apparently Red had chosen him too._

_It didn’t feel as wrong as Black had, when he had tried to connect to him. But it still felt wrong, like something he would have to wait to mould around him._

_He wasn’t sure if he wanted it to._

_Lance knew who’s mould he was being fitted into, and somehow it was always something he had never been able to fit._

_He was just being used as a replacement for Keith, again._

_And he knew that he could never be able to fulfil the requirements._

_All the same, Keith had needed to replace Shiro, but it somehow felt different._

_Keith had previously piloted Black and connected to Black before. Him being the Black paladin was a long time coming, and it made sense._

_That was not the case for Lance._

_Red had never shown interest in him, since she was already extremely connected to Keith._

_Red had only chosen him because he was a second choice to Keith, because she couldn’t have anyone better._

_Pidge was perfect for Green; Hunk was prefect for Yellow. They fit too well to change lions then._

_Maybe Lance wasn’t a perfect fit for Blue, but Allura seemed to be._

_And he was definitely not the perfect fit for Red._

_He didn’t really have a lion, if Red was Keith’s and Blue was Allura’s._

_Maybe he wasn’t even meant to be a paladin, maybe he was wrong thinking he had it in him._

_It hurt, giving Allura his Bayard, and taking Keith’s, because he was the replacement. He was losing the only thing he thought he could cling on to._

_Being a paladin of Voltron._

_****_

Lance was having a difficult time falling asleep the night after the lion swap. The temperature always felt wrong and uncomfortable, and the sheets scratched at his body the wrong way, no matter which way he lied.

He tried anything to quieten the racing of his heart and the blaring of his mind, but each time he felt he could fall asleep, all of the thoughts came rushing back.

He knew there was hope that he could get rest.

So he decided it was best to venture the castle, wear himself out with some walking, since he was definitely not in the mood for training.

Wondering a castle late at night sounded like a fairy-tale, appealing in how whimsical it was. Lance thought that maybe he was living some twisted version of a fairy-tale. He was no prince for Allura to marry, that was for certain.

He was barely even a knight.

He walked a few loops of the longer hallways before finding himself in the kitchen, and decided he was hungry enough to have some food goo.

Though he was never really fond of it, chewing on something distracted him some. It was like how his papa would let him have ice-cream after he had nightmares, before taking him to bed.

They promised to keep it a secret from everyone else, though Lance was sure Veronica did it too, it made him feel special.

He wished he could have that same feeling now, but it was basically galaxies away.

Lance told himself that he wasn’t going to cry, because he was so sick of crying. He was still lucky, he reminded himself again and again. He was lucky to be alive and even piloting a lion. He was lucky to have such great friends, he was lucky, and he was being ungrateful.

He didn’t need his mama to hug him and to tell him that everything would be alright because he wasn’t unfortunate, he wasn’t suffering, and he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself.

“Oh, hey Lance.”

He totally did not scream.

“Woah, loud.”

He turned to the sound of the voice a little timidly, spotting Pidge standing ominously over on the other side of the room, closer to the window. He released a breath.

“Uh, hey Pidge. What are you doing up?”

The dim light that was shining onto her face let him see that she had rolled her eyes, Lance was almost offended.

“I never sleep, it’s like, my thing.”

He breathed a quiet chuckle, abandoning his food goo and eagerly joining her on the other side of the room, sitting down with crossed legs, Pidge following suit, and turning her gaze to the stars.

He sighed. “The view kinda sucks now doesn’t it?”

Pidge hung her head, grunting in annoyance. “I know, right? Like this used to be the coolest thing ever. Now it’s just frustrating.”

He hummed his agreement. He had lost count of the many nights he had spent pressing his face right up against the window to admire the stars. He always had a fantastic view living by the beach, no lights to stop him from seeing the abundance of glittering lights in the sky. He always thought they were so magical.

Now they were suffocating.

Pidge turned to face him, adjusting her glasses. “What about you, why are you up? You always sleep early.” She gave him a pointed look.

He shrugged, trying to play it off. “A lot to think about.”

“So the lion swap?” She concluded easily; Lance was barely surprised.

“Yeah.”

She looked at him for a moment, something sincere in the way she examined his face, she looked at him like he was a mystery. Lance figured that he was, in a way.

He wasn’t really a mystery like Keith was; Keith was more the mystery of knowing nothing, like no matter how much time you spend around him you know him no better than you did before.

Lance was like the mystery of knowing everything. It seemed as though when you met him you already knew everything you needed to know, like he was an open book begging to be read.

He guessed the mystery of himself was whether or not that was true.

Pidge turned away from him then, her attention drawn back to the stars, Lance looked up at them too. They both sat in a comfortable silence, but the mood in the air seemed heavy, almost questioning.

She huffed, breaking the tension. “Our lives are ridiculous.” He chuckled in agreement, “Like Keith was literally an alien the whole time, and you knew him since you were twelve or something.”

His eyes widened and he nodded eagerly, previous mindset set aside for the moment. “You’re totally right, Keith is an alien! Imagine being an alien! I get he was all torn up about it at first, but it’s so cool! And I knew him since I was twelve! Oh my gosh I was rivals with an alien. That is the coolest thing ever.”

He thought of Allura and Coran too, wondering if he would ever have the chance to date an alien. He smiled at the idea of bringing Allura back to earth, showing her all of his favourite places. His heartbeat quickened.

She hummed. “Yeah well, now we fight a war with aliens in some robot cats. So we’ve got our fair share of ‘cool’.”

He smiled, bringing up his knees to rest his chin on them. “True.”

The two of them fell silent once more, but the question was still lingering in the air. Lance wanted to ask it. “What do you think about the lion swap?”

She shrugged nonchalantly, leaning back on her hands. “It is what it is I suppose. It’s weird to not have Shiro around, and Keith is not… the most conventional of leaders, but I think it’ll work out. The lions know best.”

He hummed, only feeling slightly better at her words. “I hope so.”

She turned to him again, tilting her head. Lance raised an eyebrow.

“What’s it feel like? Being connected with a different lion.”

His eyes widened slightly, and his heart gave a pang. But he smiled none the less.

“It’s kinda weird, cause Red’s so different to Blue. She’s… faster, even when she’s just thinking she’s so much faster, it feels almost like fire. It’s how I imagine it would be like meeting someone’s emotions separated from their body. So different but somehow the same.”

He chose not to include the drearier details, of how it had felt being severed from Blue at first, how along in the universe he had become. It had felt like his security had been ripped from his hands, like his place in the team was slipping through his fingers.

Red had been hot, a red hot sting. She was fire, blazing and bright, Lance supposed there was something nicer to be found in it, after a little adjusting. He liked Red; they were even beginning to be… friends.

But at first that heat had burned him, and he was so afraid.

He didn’t include how his place in the team was still slipping, he wasn’t sure how longer he could continue to hold on, no matter how hard he tried.

She nodded slowly; eyebrows slightly raised. “That was… surprisingly well put.”

He scoffed, shoving her shoulders. “That’s rude Pidge, I’m very intelligent!”

She laughed and nodded sarcastically. “Very.”

“Rude!”

The two of them continued to talk about whatever was on their mind, talking to each other at a fast pace one second, and slow and philosophical the next, he was almost getting whiplash, but there was something enjoyable about it. He didn’t have to slow himself down for once, and Pidge didn’t seem to mind.

There was one topic however, that they had toed around discussing. Lance was somewhat grateful for it, not having to go into depth about all of his messy feelings.

But there was something else he wanted too, something else he couldn’t place.

“What do you think about the lion swap? Seeing as you were the one to swap lions and all.” Pidge asked suddenly, Lance’s heartrate spiked.

He smiled, shrugging playfully in an attempt to dismiss it. “It is what it is.”

She stared at him again, eyebrows drawn together. Her gaze made him want to hide, the smile he was forcing began to edge on nervousness.

She sighed and turned away again, accepting his sub-par answer easily. Lance released a breath.

She stood up off of the floor with a groan, stretching her arms above her head and nodding to him, a small smile on her face. “It’s late, even for me. You should go to bed or tomorrows going to be hell for you.”

He chuckled, waving her off. “I’ll clean up my goo first, don’t wait up.”

The two of them bid each other good night, and Pidge walked out the door.

Lance looked back up at the stars after he was sure she was gone, sighing deeply. There was a new weight to his body, settling deep into his bones, somehow reaching further than exhaustion. His conversation with Pidge had not eased its grip on him.

He thought that he had gotten what he wanted out of their talking, as she dismissed talking about the lion swap. It was what he wanted, yet he was still unsatisfied. He thought maybe none of the outcomes would have satisfied him.

He fell backwards, lying on his back, the chill of the metal stung his skin where it made contact. It almost reminded him of what it was like being connected to Blue.

He didn’t end up getting any sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading!
> 
> It issss what it issss
> 
> Pidge is sweet, and she's trying, you aren't aloud to be mad at her.
> 
> Hope you liked it :D


	3. You don't know what you got 'til it's gone (Shiro)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance isn't working as well as he should since Keith left. He's beginning to realize how close they'd become, and so is Shiro.

_When Lance had decided to ask Keith about his place in the team, he honestly thought Keith would agree with him. He thought that Keith would give him the harsh reality of their situation, regardless of his feelings._

_He had learned to respect Keith as their leader by then, and to trust his judgement. He guessed that Pidge was right, he did shape up to be amazing. Lance never expected anything less._

_Well, that was a small lie. He did think Keith was awful in their first battle without Shiro, rash and all over the place, but he understood why. Keith was under a lot of pressure, by everyone else in the team, but especially by himself._

_The two of them were able to fix everything in the end anyway, because they made a good team. A great team even. Lance thought he was a good choice for Keith’s right hand man, the dynamic worked like no one would have expected._

_He didn’t know why he thought it could last._

_They had managed to find Shiro again, even after all odds said that they wouldn’t. Even when, Shiro, by all means, should have been dead long before that. Even Keith had accepted the fact he was probably dead. Then they found him._

_And don’t get him wrong, he was ecstatic that Shiro was back, relieved beyond belief, but he knew that Shiro being back meant things would change for him again, and Lance wasn’t too eager for that to happen._

_Shiro would take Black, Keith would take Red, Allura would take Blue, and Lance would take a step back._

_He was bitter about that fact, that he would have to lose something again. He hated that he was upset towards Shiro for this, but he couldn’t help but feel jealous when he saw that Shiro was still standing across the room._

_Shiro was his friend, he was his hero. Lance was ashamed of himself for thinking so badly of him when he didn’t deserve it._

_He deserved Black, and Keith deserved Red, and Allura deserved Blue. That was how things should have gone, he shouldn’t have been able to keep what wasn’t his, especially not after his selfishness._

_He had thought he was right about what was going to happen; he even knew he was right. He had thought he saw it coming._

_He had apparently been very wrong._

_Keith was the one who decided to take a step back._

_He had told them all that he was going to join the blade, step down as the Black paladin. He said that he wanted to learn more about his past, to find himself._

_Lance was… surprised…to say the least._

_He had barely even processed it by the time they had all thrown themselves around Keith in a big, goodbye hug, and then when they watched him walk out the door, a bittersweet smile on his face._

_This...this wasn’t right. That wasn’t how things were supposed to happen._

_He knew that he ought to have been pleased, he knew it. Because now he could keep what he wanted, he could stop feeling guilty about being upset as Shiro. He should have been happy._

_But he couldn’t be._

_He had gone into Keith’s room a night later. It was bland, like usual, but now it was cold too._

_He stood where he stood when he had his conversation with Keith, wondering why this was the way things had gone._

_Wondering why Keith thought it would be better if he left. Wondering why he received no karma for being angry when Shiro came back._

_Wondering why this made him feel so much worse than before._

****

It was safe to say that the team was not handling Keith’s absence as best as they probably could have. They were… a small mess.

It had been similar with Shiro, everyone had been in disarray. It always felt, at least to Lance, like there was a gap in the team. It was gaping at first, seemed like it could never be filled. He supposed it never really had been, but instead they had all gotten used to it being there. That’s what it had felt like to him when Shiro had gone, and Keith in addition, now felt like that too. Like a big gap. But Keith’ gap somehow felt bigger.

Lance never realise how close he and Keith had actually become during Shiro’s absence. They had always been partnered up for training exercises and sat next to each other for every meal. Lance would sometimes just walk in to Keith’s room to show him something, much to the others annoyance. He spent a lot of time with Keith, he would even say they were becoming good friends.

It was all the more confusing for Lance, but that wasn’t even the main issue.

He was practically useless in training now.

Well he was doing _fine_ , he was still a great shot and pretty nimble and all, but he always left himself ungraded, just by habit.

He was used to Keith having his back.

It was a sort of system the two of them had worked out, after a while. It was practically second nature.

Which was why it was such a problem when it was gone.

“Lance, this is getting annoying.”

Pidge huffed, almost falling over in her stretch to shield Lance from an oncoming blast.

“Sorry!” He winced, dodging a shot that narrowly missed his feet.

Shiro frowned, moving to the side. “Patience yields focus guys, don’t neglect protecting yourself when necessary.”

Lance gave screech as he hopped away from a shot aimed toward him, smiling sheepishly when Pidge met his gaze, a tired expression on her face.

He turned back to the bots again, shaking his head and pulling his gun up to rest on his shoulder, taking aim at the closest sentry to him.

“Keith! Can you… Wait-“ Hunk called out, and instinctually, Lance whipped around to face him, eyes scanning the area for Hunk or Keith.

He only had a second to look around however, before a sentry had tackled him to the ground.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow. Stop! Que demonios? I didn’t know they were allowed to do this- Stop it!” He struggled against the sentry for a few seconds before giving up, his hands had been pinned to his sides, deeming him practically immobile. He relented to glaring at it menacingly. (What the heck)

Allura groaned, letting her Bayard transform, then flash to her pocket. “Coran! Could you shut off the program?”

The sentry then immediately went limp over top on him, he kicked it off of him quickly, rolling sideways a few times and landing on his back.

He let out a sigh. “Dios mio, that was awful.” (Oh my god)

Hunk nodded, flopping down to lay next to Lance. “It’s weird without Keith, I’d gotten so used to it.”

Lance couldn’t help but agree.

****

By the time they decided to wrap up their training, he knew he was in for a lecture.

Keith never really lectured them, almost like he was afraid to. He would just cross his arms and glare at the wall, at least in the beginning. He started to yell at them a bit after that. Lance knew it was just Keith being worried and everything, but he never did like it when Keith started to yell.

Shiro, on the other hand, had a completely different style of criticism. Lance was very scared of Shiro’s lectures.

He had tapped his shoulder the moment he was trying to walk out the door, telling him to hang back. He barely held back his wince.

As soon as the others had gone, Shiro turned to him. Lance almost wanted to shrink away. “You wanna tell me what was going on today?”

“I-“

In truth, Lance did not really want to get into it at all, at least in any depth. The last time he had tried Keith had upped and walked away, and while he knew that really wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t help but blame a little part of the blame onto himself.

There had been an odd tension with Keith after they had talked, Keith acted stiffer whenever he had been around him, or he would look at him oddly. They had felt somehow more distant, like they were tittering on something new. Lance didn’t like the distance, and he knew that it had been entirely his doing. 

Shiro sighed, cutting him off. “I’m not telling you off, I just want to know what’s wrong. I know you’re better than your performance today.”

Lance released a breath, which made Shiro smile, and the two of them took a seat. “I guess I got used to working with Keith.”

Shiro nodded. “I noticed the two of you had gotten a lot closer since I was gone, you both improved a lot.”

He gave a small smile. “I guess so.”

Shiro met his eyes thoughtfully, Lance had to turn his head away.

It was true that he and Keith had gotten closer, Lance was beginning to really see it now that it was no longer there. There was something pulling at his chest whenever he thought about Keith, Red had even begun to feel like that too, like she missed Keith.

He felt bad for being the thing that kept him from her.

Shiro chuckled lightly, leaning forward and resting his hands on his knees. “I miss him too.”

Lance spluttered, pulled harshly out of his stupor. “What- no! I mean- that wasn’t. I never said that!”

Shiro laughed, looking at him meaningfully. “You didn’t have to; we all miss him.”

Lance thought he saw a hint of sadness in Shiro’s eyes, and as much as it pained him to admit it, he felt the same. He missed Keith, more than he thought he would.

“You and Keith were really close right?” Lance asks, trying to curve his aching chest.

Shiro nodded. “Yeah, we go way back.”

“Like Garrison back?”

Shiro huffed, shaking his head. “Oh yeah, he tried to steal my bike when he was like, twelve? And then I ended up adopting him.”

Lance gasped. “What? Keith, the perfect student Keith, tried to steal Takashi Shirogane’s hover bike?” He asked incredulous, pausing briefly, “Wait, you adopted him?”

Shiro laughed louder this time, making Lance smile. “He had good grades, sure, but he was far from the perfect student. And no, I didn’t adopt him technically, he’s like my brother.”

Lance nodded. “I noticed he was always around you, I thought you must have been actually related.”

Shiro hummed. “A lot of people did.”

He could tell that Shiro really did miss Keith a lot, everyone did. Lance was right when he described it as a gap in the team, and it was gaping.

He never really talked to Keith about missing Shiro, like he was doing now about Keith, aside from a few small conversations. He felt bad for it. He had known that Keith was upset, but if they were really as close as Shiro was saying, Keith would have probably needed someone to be there for him.

And instead Lance spoke only of his problems.

“Did you and Keith have an argument before he left? You seem…” Shiro spoke suddenly, Lance almost jumped.

“Guilty?” Lance supplied.

Shiro nodded. “Yeah.”

And it was true that he had been feeling guilty, about so many things. He didn’t really know what Keith left them as, or why it all went so wrong. He knew it started when Lance had tried to talk about his problems, get even a little bit of solace. He also knew now that doing that had been a mistake, maybe he should have just let things figure themselves out. Maybe he should have just waited.

Shiro placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling warmly. “You know, I did the same thing. Left someone after an argument, not knowing if I’d be able to come back.”

Lance rose an eyebrow. “Really? Like from earth?”

Shiro nodded. “His name was Adam; he was my fiancé.”

Lance’s eyes widened, and he said nothing, suddenly feeling awkward.

But Shiro just sighed, seeming mostly unfazed. “He didn’t want me to go on the Kerberos mission, said it was too dangerous because of my muscle condition. He was always supportive before then, but I guess that was the last straw.”

He inhaled a shaky breath. “I left a little over a week later. We were too angry to even say goodbye… and now I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. Even if I do, I don’t know if he’ll be able to forgive me.”

Lance just stared at him with wide eyes.

He had always seen Shiro as perfect, something above everyone else without any struggles, even after being in space. It was kind of silly he had continued to see Shiro like that, when he was just like anyone else.

He was also feeling extremely guilty for being upset at Shiro when he had come back. Dios, he was such an awful person. Shiro was nothing but kind, and deserving, and great. He was everything Lance had always thought he was and more. (God)

Shiro was just as sad and scared as he was, and now he knew he was being selfish as well. He decided he was sick of being selfish.

“I- I guess I can’t really speak for him but, I think he would understand why you still went through with it. He probably would have been devastated when you didn’t come back… he might be angry sure… but when you see him again, he’ll be happy you’re alive.”

Shiro met his gaze again, mouth slightly agape. His eyes had a slight shine to them when he smiled, squeezing Lance’s shoulder softly. “Thank you Lance.”

He dropped his hand back to his lap. “But my point is, I understand feeling guilty about an argument. You shouldn’t waste time when you still have it. You should apologise when you see next Keith, or just talk to him. it sucks feeling guilty when you’re in a war. You don’t know if you’re going to ever get the chance to say sorry.”

Lance smiled, nodding his head sharply. “We both will Shiro.”

Shiro smiled too, letting out a small laugh. “Yeah, we both will.”

****

Shiro chose to sit next to him for dinner that night, it made Lance feel a lot better. Though he was still feeling bad for everything he’d done wrong, he at least felt that he had grown closer to Shiro, and maybe Shiro even felt the same.

But what Shiro had said to him left him a lot to think about.

He didn’t know who would die at any time, which was true, and he had known that. He had feared that since day one, which made him feel stupid for not even trying to stop Keith from leaving. He felt so stupid and selfish and guilty.

Every time he passed Keith’s room his heart wouldn’t let him forget about it, and he always stopped, for a moment, to just look at it. He wished he could stop, and just ignore it like every other door, but his heart wouldn’t let him.

He didn’t know why it always felt so awful to stand in front of Keith’s door. It felt so awful to be reminded.

He had gotten what he wanted, a lion of his own, a place in the team. Something constant and grounded and for him.

He should have been happy, but his heart wouldn’t let him forget that Keith was gone.

And his mind wouldn’t let him forget that it was his fault.

Because he was selfish, and he didn’t help Keith when he needed, and he didn’t try to stop him, and he didn’t want to lose his place in the team.

He turned away from Keith’s door with bated breath, walking past it.

And even then, his heart wouldn’t let him forget. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading!
> 
> Okay, this is clone Shiro, but he isn't quite CLONE SHIRO yet, y'know? 
> 
> So he's not quite up to bullying Lance yet, that's for next chapter :D 
> 
> And sorry this chapters a little shorter than the others, but I plan on making the last one a bit longer, so I hope that can make up for it? Heck, I might even include some art, if I can manage, or if you'd like it?
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. Big shoes to fill (Hunk)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro is acting stranger now that he's back, Lance is afraid of what that might mean, or of what might be happening to his friend.

Shiro had been briefing them all over the plan to free some galran prisoners from their base. He had a map displayed holographically in the center of them all and was pointing to it at rapid speeds, explaining their infiltration plan. It seemed simple enough for him to follow the important details without issues, or being overwhelmed, which was nice feeling.

Keith’s plans always seemed unnecessarily rash, like he had just slapped something together as they stood there. It was stupid, and Lance would poke fun at him for it, but somehow, they would always manage to work.

He couldn’t remember even one ever failing horribly at all, even if it were rough around the edges, and even if they had fumbled or fell, they could always fix things. And they could still succeed.

Lance would be the first to admit that maybe it wasn’t the best tactic to use in terms of saving people, but Lance could feel their team growing stronger, more connected and focused. He and Keith were growing closer too.

All of Keith’s plans had worked so well because the team had worked so well.

Knowing that however, never eased all of his nerves, at the time.

Shiro’s plan was this; Hunk would be the one to guard the doors, since he had the biggest Bayard, that was best against larger scaled attacks while being able to stay put. In this case in front of the door.

Allura and Shiro would be going to the cells to collect the prisoner’s, as they were swift and could hide easily from the sentry’s if they had to. And were good at convincing people to follow them with calming words and warm smiles.

And that was all well and good, a pretty solid plan as far as Lance was concerned, but then Shiro said this.

“Pidge will take the higher ground, covering us from there and then collecting us in the Green lion by the hanger near the ledge’s path. We’ll comm you when it’s time to go down there. Lance will be at the terminal ready to open the doors, again, I’ll comm you when It’s time.”

Lance almost had to laugh.

“Shouldn’t me and Pidge swap places?”

Shiro turned to look at him, pausing his speaking. Everyone else’s gaze followed. “What?”

Lance gestured to the map. “When we free the prisoners, shouldn’t me and Pidge swap places?”

Pidge nodded. “Yeah that part was a bit lost on me.”

Shiro’s eyes flitted briefly to her, then pinning itself back onto Lance, almost with a daring glint.

“And why would that be?”

Lance frowned. “I’m just saying it sounds a bit silly. I have the sniper, and Pidge is good with tech, so why wouldn’t we do what we’re best at? Plus, Red is the fastest, if we wanted to get out quicker she would be our best bet.”

Shiro sighed deeply, a heavy scowl on his face. “Didn’t you listen to what I just said? Pidge is the only one small enough to fit, and you’re more agile then she is. Green also has the camouflage, which is more vital to us in terms of escaping than speed. If you were paying attention you would have understood that.”

Lance swallowed.

“Well Lance is pretty skinny, and Pidge is super nimble too, I get Green having the camo mode, but couldn’t Pidge just meet us there from the terminal? It’s not really that much further anyway.” Hunk interjected. Lance bumped their shoulders together with a small smile.

“It would be in the best interest for the mission to stick with the places I assigned.”

Lance shook his head, leaning forward. “I think it would be better to just stick with what we’re best at, I don’t want to screw up with-“

Shiro huffed, clenching his jaw. He gave Lance an icy stare. “No, Lance you wouldn’t want to screw this up. So stop interrupting me and pay attention for once, because this relies on you. I don’t need you disrespecting me when you don’t know what you’re doing. We do what I say, okay?”

The coldness in his eyes struck Lance, it made him feel uncomfortable, and bare. He wanted to hide from it.

Something felt so off about it too, something Lance couldn’t explain, but those eyes looked like they were from the wrong person, stuck in Shiro’s skull. They bore holes in him, and he didn’t understand why they felt so wrong. Why they felt so scary.

Lance nodded, looking down.

“Okay, sorry Shiro.”

********

After that moment, things felt less wrong, in terms of Shiro.

It was like a small glitch in his system, or a moment for him to blow off some steam. Either way, it hadn’t happened after that again, not in the same way at least.

The team still disagreed on things of course, but it wasn’t _bad._ It was always negotiable and fixed without any fuss… or yelling.

Lance was beginning to think that he had been overanalysing things, or maybe that he had really just stepped too far out of line.

“Okay! Again!”

He exhaled a deep breath and adjusted his stance, widening his legs.

The team had decided to go for some more training this morning. It was a lot easier now, after his talk with Shiro, they had managed to adjust around the absence of Keith.

He was thankful to have had Shiro talk to him about all of that. And, in truth, it did help him focus. He wanted to prove that Shiro had helped him, by beating his opponents in training. 

He always preferred fighting one on one, with a real person. It felt warmer, or more comfortable. He liked the banter, he supposed.

Keith and Shiro did always prefer the bots, but Lance figured that was just because they liked the quiet, how easily they could focus.

That thought was somewhat strange to him, because he could never focus in the same way, not when they weren’t in any danger at least. He needed something to say, someone to make laugh. It helped him ease up.

And it was working perfectly fine so far.

Allura smiled a few feet away from him, playfully snapping her whip. Lance did find that, very, very hot, but he decided not to voice that particular thought.

Instead, he grinned. “Think you can win, princess?”

She laughed, “Oh, I don’t think. I know.” Then she launched herself forward.

He laughed too, as he dodged her movements, rolling to the side. She turned around quickly after that, aiming her whip for his arm.

He ran forward so the whip hit the empty space he left behind in quick succession, taking a few shots at her feet. “Hey that’s pretty nice dancing!” He beamed, as she jumped away from them, she let out an agitated huff when he relented.

Pidge gagged from the sidelines, cupping her hands around her mouth. “Quit the bad flirting Lance!”

Hunk even had the audacity to laugh.

That statement somehow made him feel odd, hearing it didn’t sit right in his mind. It didn’t feel like what he was trying to do was flirt anymore, or that wasn’t his goal.

He didn’t know what exactly his flirting had turned into, over time, but calling it flirting made his stomach twist uncomfortably. He knew that he had no chance with her at all, but he hadn’t really needed to think much about giving up either. It confused him.

In the second that he had been distracted, Allura had gained the upper hand, and he now found himself pinned to the floor, breathing heavily.

Allura released his neck with a laugh at his bewildered expression, standing back rather than looming over him, and held out her hand. “I did warn you Lance.”

He looked at it for a moment before taking it.

If it were an invitation to what he thought he wanted, to having a chance with her, would he take it then?

If her hand were stretched out as a way of saying ‘you can have us now’ or ‘be with me’, would she be the one he picked if there were others?

He had always thought the answer was obvious, a no brainer. Now for some reason, he found himself reconsidering.

_Is that what I want anymore?_

He found that he didn’t know, and he took her hand.

“You have like ten thousand years on me, don’t pretend that was impressive… But well done.” He smiled toothily, and Allura slapped his arm.

Shiro approached the two of them from the bench he had been sitting on and crossed his arms, turning to face Lance. “You need to learn to focus. You would have won if it weren’t for your apparently inherit need to flirt.”

Lance scoffed, shoving down the nasty feeling in his throat. “I could have won either way, Pidge distracted me.”

He sighed. “Fine, how about you go against me?”

Lance met Shiro’s eyes, and he was reminded again that they seemed wrong. He tried to shake the feeling off. “Alright then! Let’s go then Shiro.”

Allura nodded and took her seat next to Hunk, Lance and Shiro taking their places on the deck.

“I wont go easy on you Lance; you need to learn to focus.”

Lance smiled. “You mean I won’t be going easy on- AH!”

He shouted as Shiro swung for him, barely dodging his glowing arm. His eyes widened further when Shiro turned back on him and lunged again, eyes alight and so, so wrong.

He thought he remembered something about ‘Patience yields focus’ that Shiro had said before. Even Keith had told him he said it any chance he got.

_So why didn’t he say it now?_

Lance barely had room to think as he focused on dodging Shiro’s oncoming attacks, he was never given any time to respond. He couldn’t keep up with it, and he noticed Shiro was getting impatient.

_Patience yields focus._

“Not so cocky now are we?”

Lance shouted when Shiro took him by the neck, lifting him off of the floor. He clawed desperately at his hands for a few seconds when he meet Shiro’s eyes.

Shiro looked at him like he intended to kill him, like he wanted to see his blood paint the floor. Lance tried to gasp for breath, and failed, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn’t like Shiro’s eyes.

After a second more Shiro dropped Lance to the ground, he hit it with a loud thud, and he gasped, catching his breath.

Shiro looked at him like he hated him, and the thought terrified Lance. He didn’t know what was happening with him, and his lungs burned and ached with each intake of breath.

Tears began to leak from the corner of his eyes and all he could hear was the thrumming of his heart in his chest, threatening to fall out.

When he had collected himself, he looked up to see the others surrounding Shiro and him, worry all across their faces. He gave a weak smile and held out his hand, Hunk grabbed it quickly and hoisted him up, letting him lean on him while he focused on his breathing.

Shiro frowned harshly as he looked over at him, but Lance didn’t meet his eyes. “I- I’m so sorry Lance I don’t know what that was.”

He huffed humouredly. “No sweat, epic moves, but maybe don’t try to actually kill me?”

That pulled a small chuckle from his friends, and he straightened his posture.

“I’ll remember that for next time.”

Allura gave Shiro a light pat on the back and announced that training was over.

She walked Shiro out as well, but when Lance met his eyes from across the room, they were still the same as he has seen them while Shiro had been suspending him in the air.

_Wrong._

****

_Voltron shuddered with more impact; Lance heard everyone’s distressed shouts through the comms._

_There was no way out as far as he was concerned, Voltron was too big, and these ships were too fast. They couldn’t beat them like this, it was too much to take as one person._

_“Lance! To the right!”_

_He was quick to jerk his steering._

_In the beginning, is was easy, fluid. Like fitting into and old glove. It was different, aged even, but still easy, still familiar._

_Shiro slipped back into his role as leader like nothing had happened in the first place, like he knew no difference at all._

_But Lance felt the difference, between the hypothetical gloves._

_It had been fine in the beginning, but the glove had progressively gotten tighter._

_He knew that wasn’t how gloves work, and he resented his stupid Keith’s glove analogy, but it was all he could think to describe it as._

_The glove had only gotten tighter and tighter, constricting and painful. Shiro started snapping more often, zoning out and staring at nothing. His mood would chop and change, and it was almost always directed at him. Lance was worried about him._

_A few blasts hit the side of Red, and she let out a displeased huff in his head. Lance jolted._

_“Guys! We need to disperse, there’s no way we can make it as Voltron!” Lance shouted, lunging forward again._

_Shiro huffed through the comms, almost aggressively. “No! We keep going!”_

_“But-“_

_“That’s an order!”_

_Lance settled further into his seat, mouth clicking shut._

_He was so worried for Shiro, and how much he had changed, what was happening to him. He wanted to help him, get some weight off of his shoulders. He wanted to comfort him or at least ask him if he was okay._

_He had even tried to help, but Shiro wouldn’t let him._

_And Lance was scared._

****

Lance stood in front of Hunks room for a moment in silence, staring at it intensely. He had debated this all along his way here, and even before, when he was alone in his room. He didn’t want to sound like he thought Voltron was unstable at the moment, much less to Hunk, but.

It was.

Shiro hated Lance, he ignored everything he said and countered his ever idea. It had progressively gotten worse and worse, and Lance had no clue how to fix it. Everything he tried to mend their tattered bond only tore it some more.

The Red and Black paladins were supposed to have the strongest bond of all. They were meant to hold the team tightly together, be the foundation. That was the furthest away from what Lance thought they were.

He thought that they had bonded, when Keith had gone. He thought he had finally gotten Shiro to consider him a friend. He had truly and honestly believed that.

There were moments where that friendship shined through, when Shiro wasn’t feeling great or was having a late night. Only ever when Shiro had said there was something off about him did he act as Lance’s friend.

He was worried for Shiro, and all of those moments he had were he _didn’t_ seem like himself. Where he even scared Lance.

He thought of Keith then, and how close he and Shiro were. They were like brothers, always looking out for each other. They knew all of the good and bad parts of each other, had seen each other at their most vulnerable and had been better for it. That was what the Black and Red paladin bond should have been. It should have been Shiro and Keith.

He knocked on the door.

“You can come- Oh, hey Lance. What’s up?”

Lance sighed. “Only more stars, as always buddy. Come on.”

He stepped inside and plopped himself right on Hunks sort of beanbag. It reminded Lance of the one he used to have in his room in Cuba. He wiggled, sinking into it.

Hunk sat on the bed opposite him, picking up some metal thing and tinkering with it, Lance rolled his eyes with a small smile.

“What’s bothering you? And don’t say nothing because that’s the comfort beanbag.”

He huffed a laugh. “I guess… Does Shiro seem kind of, I don’t know, strange to you?”

Hunk rose and eyebrow, looking up at him. “Strange how?”

Lance raised his arms, waving them around. “He’s tense all the time and he never listens to what anyone else says! He even tried to kill me that one time! He came back different.”

Hunk stared at him for a moment, eyebrows furrowed. Lance turned his head away.

“That’s because they tortured him Lance. He’s probably traumatised.”

Lances eyes widened, and he caught on his breath.

“Oh. Right.”

Hunk continued, looking back down at his trinket and fiddling with it. “Not to mention all of the stuff that happened before we even saved him, he’s had it rough.”

Lance recalled what Shiro had said about his fiancée Adam, how much longing was sitting behind his eyes. He remembered what he had looked like hanging limp by Keith side. A dead weight in their arms. Then shaking his newly robotic arm.

His stomach churned.

“He has to take care of all the plans for us, heck, he even takes care of us too. He deals with so much. I’m surprised he’s this composed.”

“Do you think he just.. doesn’t like _me_ then?”

Hunk stared at him. “What? No. You’re like the closest person here to Shiro since Keith left.”

And if that hadn’t hit the nail on the head.

Those words echoed in his head over and over, so much he was unable to hear the rest of what Hunk was saying.

He was just there because Keith couldn’t be, not for Red, and not for Shiro.

_But he could never be Keith like they wanted him to be._

“-so probably just misses Keith a lot too, y’know? I miss Keith! So he’s just adjusting.”

Lance has spent an awful amount of time thinking about how much he missed Keith, it made his chest ache with how much he wished he could see him again. Sometimes he would even stretch his hand as far as it would go, and then further, hoping his fingers could brush some intangible connection.

He would drop his hand feeling like a fool.

“And I get he’s been a bit mean to you, like, in particular, which is weird! But he does talk to you a lot about what troubled him, doesn’t he?”

Lance nodded absently.

Hunk smiled. “He trusts you obviously, so if you’re worried about him, you should ask him. I’m sure he’d tell you, or even us if you get really bothered by the way he’s acting. We can all ask him about it!”

Lance smiled softly, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks Hunk. You’re right.”

_I am only Keith’s replacement. Only a replacement._

Hunk beamed. “I’m just glad you’re feeling better! You want me to cook something for you too? I’ve been dying to try making your mothers quesadilla recipe, if you remember it?”

Lance stood from the bean bag, and Hunk stood as well, dropping his tool and standing next to Him. He could feel the warmth radiating from his body, he wanted to move closer to it.

“I can remember it, yeah. I’ll be surprised if you can make it out of food goo though.”

Hunk puffed out his chest, jabbing his thumb into it with a pout. “I can make anything!”

Lance laughed. “Yes you can buddy!”

The two of them walked down the corridor together in silence, but Lance couldn’t help but focus on Hunk’s warmth, and the little comfort he could derive from it.

He just hoped this warmth wouldn’t fade away like Shiro’s had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading!
> 
> Sorry this took a little while longer than expected, but it is physically longer than I expected so???
> 
> Clone Shiro sucks and real Shiro is sobbing in the astral plane.
> 
> Lance also has a very obvious crush he is denying. 
> 
> I hoped you liked it <3


	5. 'Till death do us part (Allura)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance pushes the Blue lion aside when a large beam comes its way, and he thinks he needs to face the coniquences alone.

_All Lance could remember was the numb. His limbs felt distant, his body felt like a casing that was slipping off. The only thing he could cling to was the distressed thumping of his heartbeat, the pitter patter that was reminding him he was still alive._

_It was like nothing had existed before then. Time seemed to slow, each second stretching and twisting into something longer. He didn’t know how long it had been as he desperately tried to claw through his mind for memory, it was all going foggy._

_He couldn’t see past the blinding white light that clouded his vision, bright even when his eyes were closed. It felt sharp._

_All he could do was listen to the thump, thump, thump of his heart. It was the only thing that was keeping him grounded._

_Thump, thump, thump._

_His whole body burned, like it was being set alight. It all hit him in an instant._

_Thump, thump, thump._

_The pain was excruciating, he wanted to scream, he needed to scream, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. It was too much. He wanted to go back to being numb. He wanted it to stop._

_Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump._

_He wanted the pain to stop, he wanted it all to stop. He tried to remember, he tried to even think. Allura, the lions, his team._

_But he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t._

**_Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump._ **

_Hazlo parar hazlo parar hazlo parar hazlo parar hazlo parar! (Make it stop)_

_He heard a shout, but he couldn’t hear, he didn’t know what it was. He saw a man, he looked desperate, or scared. He wanted to help, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know who the man was. He just wanted it to stop._

**_Thump, thump… thump._ **

_It stopped._

_“Lance!”_

****

Lance, unsurprisingly, was the last to show up to breakfast.

Granted, he had still managed enough time for removing his face mask without being so late that they finished eating, so he counted that a small win.

He gave everyone a smile and a quick hello before taking his seat next to Hunk, picking at his food idly and listening to everyone’s conversation while still blinking some sleep from his eyes.

He was admittedly, not a morning person.

“Good morning Lance, nice of you to join us.” Shiro gave him a steely look, and he averted his eyes, forcing a smile.

“Yeah, haha, sorry.”

Pidge scoffed, shovelling more food goo into her mouth and gesturing for a napkin. “It was so boring without my favourite entertainment.”

He smiled. “Aww thanks Pidge- wh- you’re so rude to me.”

She snickered into her hand and Hunk patted his back sympathetically.

“Well as I was saying. We don’t know what to expect-“

Pidge groaned. “Please Shiro, it’s too early for this. Can we talk about boring war plans later? I’m going to fall asleep.”

Shiro glowered at her, though she seemed like she didn’t notice, and Lance’s nerves spiked.

_What if he yells at her? What if he’s mean?_

“Yeah Shiro, come on.” He turns his attention to Lance.

“You think I get this beautiful discussing war plans all day? No, this is called rest. Does wonders for the skin.”

He is shivering to his core with Shiros stare, but it’s over as soon as it started, when he shakes his head and huffs, leaving Lance to wonder if he was only seeing things.

Hunk taps his shoulder. “Hey, can we milk Kaltenecker today? I wanna try something but I’m going to need milk for it.”

****

Lance thinks, as he dodges another blast from a Galran ship, that maybe they _should_ have discussed their plans at breakfast.

The battle racks his brain. He’s scared, a feeling of dread setting deep in his bones.

He doesn’t understand why he feels so on edge, he thought distantly it might have to do with Red, but as soon as the thought had enough time to form, the side of the Red lion was hit with another blast.

And that was only the least of his worries.

The ion cannons were huge, powerful. If any of the team were to be hit by them, without having formed Voltron, it would be game over.

_Dios mio._

He thought he was doing pretty well, he thought they might have had a chance at beating them. They were Voltron!

But that was until he saw it.

The ion canon lined up, aiming for the Blue lion and-

_She’s not gonna make it._

Allura was going to be hit. So he made a choice, in the millisecond he had to react.

He pushed forward with a shout, knocking Blue to the side, his mind laser focused. So he was hit instead.

He screamed.

_“Duele por favor duele!” (It hurts, please, it hurts!)_

No one heard him, the comms were off.

He was alone.

_“Mamá, lo siento ... ¡no puedo!” (Mama I’m sorry… I can’t!)_

He was going to die.

And the last thing he was contious of, was a man with a pink scar across his nose shouting his name.

_“Lance!”_

Before it all went silent.

****

He blinked his eyes open barely, something warm surrounding his body, clinging to it, holding him sturdy.

_Bu-dump, bu-dump, bu-dump._

The cautious pitter patter of his heart began again, and he could _breathe._

He had never been more grateful for such a simple task.

His eyesight came back to him in moments, the blurriness shifting to something more clear.

_Allura._

It all hit him again so quickly.

_The blast the blast danger danger Allura’s in trouble,_

**_Death._ **

It couldn’t have been, he thought.

He couldn’t have died.

_But how could I have survived that blast?_

“Shh, Lance, it’s okay. You’re okay now.”

Allura smiled down at him kindly, and he gripped her hand like a life line. He refused to remember what it was like. He refused to think about it. He didn’t die.

He gripped her hand tighter.

“Ah, Lance. It’s okay. We need to be heading back.” She shifted uncomfortably.

He only held her hand tighter. He wanted the comfort. He needed comfort.

“Lance, please. We need to go back.”

He tilted his head up and looked into her eyes. They were so beautiful, bright blue. They were radiant. They were kind. He loved them.

She was so lovely, so perfect.

He tried so hard to focus on that feeling, the feeling he had towards her. He needed the distraction, but he found that he couldn’t, not really. It wasn’t the same as it was before.

He gave her a weak smile and shifted his seating on shaking legs. “Okay, let’s go.”

****

When the team got back to the castle, they acted as if nothing had happened. All of them just went along with their days, taking showers, eating some food, taking naps. All of them seemingly unaware.

The only difference was Allura’s lingering looks towards him, eyebrows downturned. She looked like she wanted to say something, but she couldn’t find the words.

Lance went to the training room.

He picked up his Bayard and readied his stance, tilting his head side to side, trying to relieve his neck of pressure, and he lunged.

He swung his sword with more vigour every time his mind would begin to drift, or anytime his eyes would close, and he would see white.

He didn’t know if he should tell anyone. They all had their own problems to deal with. He was alive, he reasoned. There was no need for concern.

_The last time you spoke of your problems your friend ended up leaving._

He hit the gladiator harder.

_Look at you, acting so much like him. What would he say if he saw you now?_

He moved until his body ached and he was out of breath, almost physically unable to move anymore.

_You always follow him don’t you?_

He let his sword clatter to the ground and shouted in the air to end the simulator. He dropped to the floor, breathing heavily.

_But you just let him go this time. You didn’t follow this time and now he won’t know that you **died.**_

He yelled, pounding his fist to the floor, and stood up.

****

He stood under the cool water without moving, letting it hit his shoulders and flow down his back in a soothing rhythm. He tilted his head up into it, humming a quiet tune.

  
  
_El cielo es oscuro y las colinas son blancas,_

He sang the lyrics he knew by heart; words smooth as they rolled off his tongue, filling the air with comforting words.

_Mientras el Rey Tormenta acelera desde el norte esta noche_

He remembers the feeling of his mother stroking her soft hands through his hair as she sang, making his eyelids droop as he grew sleepy.  
  


_Y esta es la canción que canta The Storm King,_

He tried to replicate the feeling with the water, tilting his head just so. It wasn’t as warm, but it was nice.

_Como por el mundo arroja su manto._

_Duerme, duerme, pequeño, duerme_

_Mueve sus alas y canta con voz ronca:_

The words came as easy as breathing, and he smiled, thinking he must look silly, singing a lullaby.

_  
Duerme, pequeño, duerme._

But as he sang the last line, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He pressed his back against the cool tile, sliding down so he could sit. He tucked his knees under his chin, winding his arms around them.

And as the water fell down his head, and over his eyes, the rain-like _pitter-patter_ filling his ears, he _breathed._

****

Allura found him later in his room, sitting on his bed and staring at his hands. He jumped when she knocked on the door but relented to letting her into his room when he saw who it was.

She smiled kindly, moving a little stiffly, but she seemed determined. “I wanted to see that you were okay, and also to thank you for saving my life.”

He tilted his head. “Thank _me_? I should be thanking you! If you hadn’t helped me, I would still be dead.”

His own words rung loudly in his ears. Allura chuckled.

“Well I suppose we are even then. Still, thank you Lance. What you did was very brave.”

He nodded, smiling half-heartedly. “Of course princess!”

She met his eyes then, in a moment of sincerity, like she was trying to find something in his eyes. He wondered why people had looked at him like that so often.

“You do not have feelings for me anymore?”

His eyes widened.

_What kind of a question was that?_

She shook her head. “I apologize, this is sudden. But I feel as though things have changed between us.”

He took a moment to think about it.

The two of them had gotten closer, it was nice. He felt like he could talk to her without walking on eggshells, and he could joke around without coming off as… flirty.

Allura was an amazing person, his time with her in space had only proved that thought more and more.

But she was right, things had changed.

“Yeah, um, no. I don’t have feelings for you anymore.”

She beamed, before coughing into her hand. “Sorry, I just. Well I’m glad. I enjoy being your friend Lance.”

He smiled, warmth blooming in his chest. “I like being your friend too ‘Lura.”

The distraction was nice, from his darker thoughts, but they were difficult to escape. He felt like he needed to move, to do something.

There was an itch under his skin, it made him feel icky.

It made him feel dead.

He wondered if that was what he was, a corpse walking.

He swallowed down the bile that threatened to spill from his throat.

“Say, Allura, would you like to have a girls night with me?” He said instead of voicing his thoughts, glad of the relief the idea gave him.

She looked at him perplexed. “A girls night? What is that?”

He gasped dramatically, making her smile. “You have never experienced a girls night? That is a crime! Come on! I will show you everything.”

She giggled. “But you are not a girl.”

He huffed, thinking it over. “Well no, but I’m special.”

He explained to her animatedly the correct ways to exfoliate and talk about ones secrets, braiding hair and what not. She seemed to enjoy the prospect.

“Oh we _must_ have the mice join us!”

He gasped, nodding excitedly. “Yes! please tell me you have all of this stuff in your room?”

When she nodded the two of them practically raced to get the mice.

****

Allura laughed loudly as Lance tucked another piece of her hair in place, grinning impishly.

“I kid you not, she would not stop! She said it just because I would always laugh, which was very sweet of her, but mama was _not_ happy!”

Allura sighed. “Oh she sounds delightful Lance; they remind me so much of my family.”

The two of them laid back on the bed, careful of their facemasks and the mice cuddled up between them. He smiled to himself, wondering why they hadn’t had the chance to do this before, but he supposed he knew why.

“I miss them a lot you know.”

“As do I.”

He cringed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She smiled at him, turning her head to face him properly. “I am glad that there is still hope for you, I am past the days of being resentful. Besides, I would very much like to meet your family.”

He laughed. “Oh they would love you, Nadia would probably imprint on you, like… like baby ducks do to their mothers.”

She frowned. “Baby… ducks?”

He huffed out a quiet laugh, shaking his head. “Aliens.”

The two fell into a comfortable silence after that. Lance almost thought Allura was asleep, but he did tell her that they needed to wash the face mask off before going to bed, since she said she moved around in her sleep.

He closed his eyes drearily, petting one of the mice’s soft fur. But he couldn’t keep his eyes closed for very long, before the feeling came flooding back.

He cursed.

How was he supposed to be useful when he was like this? He couldn’t distract himself; he couldn’t _close his eyes._

He felt a familiar panic begin to creep across his skin, but he willed it down, mindful of his company.

He couldn’t make a fuss in front of her, or any of his team.

They had all been through _so much._ Much more than Lance was sure he could endure, he didn’t need to be dramatic. He didn’t need to make a big deal of something that wasn’t.

He was fine.

_No you’re not. You’re breaking._

He was alive.

_You can’t pretend forever._

He didn’t need to tell anyone.

_Eventually they’ll find out._

He was _fine._

_They don’t want a broken thing._

“Are you… okay, Lance? I was meaning to discuss what happened to you, but. Well, we got distracted and… it must have been a lot to deal with. I’m very sorry it happened to you.”

Allura’s calming tone interrupted Lance’s venture down his darker thoughts, and he was very thankful for it.

He sighed. “I’m doing well, considering. You don’t have to worry princess; Voltron won’t be disrupted by this! In fact, I’m pretty sure Red and I are connected more than ever. What wonders dying does to friendships, I suppose.”

She visibly cringed, and he felt he had already managed to say to much. “Oh Lance, Voltron is not my concern. Your wellbeing is what matters to me. While I’m glad you don’t seem too upset, you must be very shaken. I’ll make it so you are able to take it easy, for the next few missions. And you can always talk to me, or any of the others if you wish to tell them.”

He must have looked visibly freaked out by the notion, because Allura gave him a reassuring smile.

“I won’t tell them if you don’t want them to know.”

He sighed a breath of relief.

“Thanks.”

****

When the two of them had parted ways for the night, Lance let his smile drop.

He was grateful for her, that she told him she cared, it felt _so good,_ for someone to say they cared, but he just wasn’t sure how much of it he could believe.

She cared a lot about Voltron, their plans. He knew she would do nearly anything to make sure they succeeded, lying would of course be one of them.

He _wanted_ to believe her, so badly. But…

When he arrived at his rooms door, his eyes caught on the door beside his. A silly part of him wanted to sleep in there instead, thought maybe he would feel better if he did.

But he knew there was no trace left of anything that could give him comfort in that long abandoned room. Everything inside was cold and barren.

_There was no trace left of him._

So instead he opened his own door, and stepped inside, practically falling onto his bed as he let the full weight of his tiredness take him.

But it felt _so similar to then, to when he was-_

He shot up with wide eyes. There was no way possible he could get any sleep this way. He couldn’t just push through this time, because if he did, he would have to face it.

_He just couldn’t._

So he went to Red instead.

Red already knew what had happened, had been with him every second of it. She knew not to push, to be gentle with him, despite her nature.

She allowed him to enter her quickly, and he adjusted his pillow so he could rest on it whilst sitting in the piolets chair.

Red let out a comforting hum, warming him from the inside out. He smiled tiredly at her, mumbling his gratitude as he let her tune flow through him, making him sleepy.

When he finally closed his eyes, the feeling came back, and maybe this wasn’t a good idea because _he was in this chair-_

But Red pushed it aside, strong and unwavering, letting him finally rest.

And when he was asleep, she was slightly worn, having fought so strongly to give him rest, because those things she could manage. She could give his mind peace when he wanted it.

But she could not fight the nightmares that would surely follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm finally back!!!
> 
> First of all, I know, it's been way to long and I'm very sorry! I don't even have an excuse past laziness :(( I'm just so, so, so, so, sorry! I promise to try harder for the next chapter, but it's probably going to be longer than the rest of the chapters, and maybe include some art, sooo? 
> 
> Uhm, the lullaby that Lance sung in the shower was actually not of Spanish origin (because I'm white and uncultured), but because it's Lance, I translated it into Spanish using google translate. Sorry for those who can speak Spanish if the translation is wrong, but here it is in English: 
> 
> The sky is dark, and the hills are white,  
> As the Storm King speeds from the north tonight  
> And this is the song The Storm King sings,  
> As over the world his cloak he flings.  
> Sleep, sleep, little one, sleep  
> He rustles his wings and gruffly sings,  
> Sleep, little one, sleep.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!


	6. Exactly what it's meant to be (Keith)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garfle warfle snick is what finally pushes Lance over the edge, but will someone be there to catch him this time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!TW!!!
> 
> Trigger warning for:
> 
> \- A panic attack  
> \- Mild self harm (nail imprints/drawing blood through nail imprints) only briefly mentioned, but mentioned multiple times.  
> \- Self destructive thoughts/self hatred  
> \- A line or two that could be interpreted as su!c!dal thinking 
> 
> Also, please note that I have never experienced a panic attack personally, so do not take my description as truth to what can actually happen during a panic attack. I also apologize if my attempt of describing it was inaccurate. 
> 
> If you're okay with all of these things then I hope you enjoy!!!

_When Keith had touched down on the castle floor for the first time in months, it was a shock to everyone, even more so when a space wolf, an Altean and his mother had walked out after him._

_The first few seconds Lance spent staring at all of them were dumbfounding. It was almost funny how absolutely crazy the situation seemed, but it was also undeniably daunting._

_Though, in all honestly, the thing that shocked Lance the most about seeing Keith – now grown and built and level headed - was how much he was feeling._

_He was feeling so much it overwhelmed him, from the relief to ecstasy down to longing. All of these emotions swirling inside him as fast as a whirl-wind, so fast he didn’t know which one to act upon._

_In the end he think he chose longing._

_His feet carried him forward before he could really think about his choice, but he didn’t care when he opened his arms slightly, an invitation so subtle, but Keith saw it. Keith knew him, and Lance knew that he knew him, but he found himself grateful for it. It was something he had missed._

_Keith didn’t hug him of course; he didn’t seem at all pleased by his presence. Lance should have expected it._

_But still the rejection hurt._

_He tried to brush off the feeling, it was weighing him down more than he thought it should. And he thought that maybe Keith didn’t know Lance as well as he had thought, that maybe he missed the signal._

_Or maybe he just didn’t want to take the invitation._

_Lance didn’t know which of the two ideas he hated most._

_****_

_It happened almost too fast to process when Shiro had begun to attack them. Lance was petrified._

_He had felt like he knew it was only a matter of time before Shiro had snapped, broken in half and no longer stable. He had always despised the thought of it, because of who he knew Shiro to be._

_But then Shiro was mean to Lance, or maybe he was just right, in all of the things he said._

_It was painful, to be afraid of him, but he was so, so scared._

_Shiro looked him right in the eye as he dragged Lotor away, like he was taunting him._

_‘Pathetic’, his gaze seemed to say._

_It was a terrifying thought thinking he was right._

_****_

_He could have helped Shiro._

_The thought echoed dimly in his mind._

_Shiro reached out to him, of all of the team, but still Lance couldn’t do it. He knew something was wrong, all of the signs were in front of him, but he had somehow still managed to miss something so important._

_He had been useless; he had failed him. He hated it so much, his apology burned in his mouth when Shiro woke up. He had so much to apologise for._

_But the worst thing, was that Lance was still afraid of him._

_He would flinch whenever Shiro would talk to him, and he would never meet his eyes._

_Lance was appalled with himself, that he was afraid of his childhood hero._

_He knew he couldn’t tell anyone about it, about any of it._

_Not about the fact that he still had nightmares about dying. Not about the fact that he had wanted Black for himself._

_Not about the fact that he was afraid of his own teammate. Not about the fact that he missed Blue._

_And when Lance thought of it all, the mountain of his thoughts seemed so much higher, because he didn’t like to think about it. Ever._

I can’t tell anyone that I’m in love with Keith either.

_It hit him so hard that where his nails were pressed to his knuckles he drew blood._

Fuck.

****

“Alright guys, I think we should all be getting some sleep, our lions can alert us of any danger if something happens, so it would be best to stay in your cock pits.”

Keith’s voice called out through the comms, making Lance jolt from his thoughts. He sighed.

“Yeah, I’m beat. See you guys in the morning. Or, when I wake up I guess.” He heard Hunk call out, and he gave a small huff of laughter.

“Night!”

The rest of the team called out, each of them signing off one by one, until Lance was left with the static of their silence.

He looked out into the vastness of space and tucked his knees under his chin. He wondered if he could ever escape it.

Red gave an exasperated trilling sound in his mind, which he figured was her way of saying: ‘of course you will’. It made him chuckle.

“…Lance?”

His face whipped to the screen that was still projecting to his left. Keith stared back at him with a confused expression. Lance struggled to keep his voice steady.

“Yeah?”

Keith was silent for a moment, just looking at Lance. He had to avert his eyes; he wasn’t sure if he could take it.

“Are you okay?”

His voice seemed genuine, rather than questioning. It made Lance pause.

The others had all asked him this same question on multiple occasions, but this, with Keith, it felt different.

Keith didn’t seem like the type to council. Then again, something could have changed in those two years he was gone. Lance was surprised none the less.

But then he thought maybe he was feeling it was different because of his _different_ feelings towards Keith. But he didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t _want_ it.

He felt tears prick the corner of his eyes when he smiled, nodding his head.

“Yeah, sorry, just lost in space – get it?”

Keith didn’t smile, but he nodded none the less. “Okay, well, see you in about seven hours I suppose.”

He didn’t give Lance any time to respond before he closed off the comms.

****

_Lance woke up then in a strange place, he was immediately on edge._

_He checked to make sure that his friends were still around him, he counted four, excluding himself, and noting that neither Coran nor Shiro were there._

_This must have been a game for the paladins._

_A strange alien came over, hovering in a chair. This was a game show? What on earth, or not, for?_

_He supposed to find out they would have to play._

_The games were strange, they made no sense if they were being tested on their paladinship. Unless they were really being tested on their teamwork._

_If that was the case, then they were failing._

**_Windy cave? Why in the name of Voltron would you say windy cave?_ **

_In his defence he was panicking._

_He had also been thrown in to a vat of actual acid, that was fun._

_What wasn’t fun, was the last question; **Who do you think deserves to make it out of here?**_

_Of course his mind went straight to Keith._

_Keith was their leader, he was the face of Voltron, and he was great at it._

_He was the trailblazer, the one who would change the whole universe. He was the pinacol of good, in everyone’s eyes, and he was half Galra – which was very important to consider when everyone thought all Galra were monsters. Keith could prove them wrong._

_He was also good at what he did, he was the best, plain and simple. He was amazing and brave and…_

_Lance was whipped._

**_“I just don’t want to be stuck here forever with Lance.”_ **

_His heart stung, and he woke up with a jolt._

****

His eyes snapped open, and he found himself back inside his lions cockpit, almost as if nothing had ever happened. He sat there confused, tiredness still clinging to his heavy eyelids.

“Woah guys, I just had the weirdest dream.” He heard Hunk say, his eyes widened.

“Garfle warfle… snick?” Pidge responded quickly, to which everyone else had shouted out a ‘yeah’ in response.

Lance leaned back a little in his seat, almost at a loss for words, and he zoned out.

_Does that mean all of that stuff… actually happened?_

His mind raced as he recalled all of the events that had past them, trying to figure out how on earth, or not, it had happened.

He looked out his window, scanning his eyes across the view for something unusual, maybe a planet he has missed before, or some large floating creature. He saw nothing.

“Bob is an all knowing and all seeing god that visits brave warriors in their sleep, to test if they are worthy. That means you must have all passed! Well done!”

Coran’s words caught his attention, and all his air left his lungs.

 _An all knowing, all seeing being?_ He thought.

Recalling Bobs words; _“Beautiful dumb, dumb!” “Could he be any more useless?”_ His heart lurched.

 _At least he knows I’m hot._ He aimlessly made the joke in his own mind, the words of everyone else having drowned out. He blindly reached for the end call buttons, eyes glassy.

If Bob had said so, it means it must have been true. He knew it long before it had even been said, but he had hoped someone would try to prove him wrong.

He wondered briefly why Bob had even let him leave, if he truly knew everything. He must have seen all of his many, many short comings. He must have known there was no longer a point in keeping him around, if they could have someone better.

He had basically said as much. The words rang loud in his mind. The truth rang loudly in his heart.

_Keith voted for me. That must be why._

It made perfect sense. Seeing as the leader of Voltron had chosen him, out of everyone. The _future of the universe_ had said he should have the right to leave.

_But for what reason? Because he doesn’t want to be stuck with me?_

Tears threated to spill from the corners of his eyes, and he squeezed them shut tightly.

_He doesn’t love you, he never will._

_They don’t need you anymore, you’re useless._

_You’re just a burden to them._

_The only reason you’re still here is because Shiro doesn’t have enough **fucking arms to pilot Black right now.**_

He was constricted by his thoughts, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t focus on anything; he couldn’t bring himself to even speak as he sobbed into the emptiness of Red.

All of the emotions he had been trying to repress had come crashing down, hitting him all at once.

He curled into himself, nails biting his upper arms sharply as he tried to will himself to calm down, all to no avail.

He was finally breaking down, and his heartbeat was frantic.

****

Keith thought back how arrogant Bob had been and rolled his eyes, god or not, that guy sucked. He would have definingly punched him if he had the chance.

“That guy was kinda a jerk though, right?”

He smiled a little when everyone had shared their agreement. 

Krolia and Shiro had of course interrogated him about what he had experienced there, but at their third question he had found himself too tired to recite the full story.

“You should just ask Lance or Hunk, one of them will be glad to tell you in excessive detail.”

Shiro had laughed and placed a hand on his shoulder, moving his face to the comms and calling out to the others. Not long after Hunk had dived into his own type of excessive story, allowing Keith drift off into his own thoughts.

Immediately his mind went to his response to one of Bobs questions. ‘Who do you think deserves to make it out of here?’

He remembered his own words and cringed.

“Where’s Lance? He’s being unusually quiet.” Pidges voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he stood at attention.

He saw Shiro’s eyebrow furrow. “Can anyone contact him?”

“Lance? Are there buddy?” Hunk called out to him, receiving no response.

He felt the beginnings of panic make its way inside his chest, everyone else had also seemed uneasy by the sudden disappearance.

“He must have turned off his comms. Though I thought we had all agreed not to do that.”

Hunk gasped. “Something must have happened!”

Keith’s gaze whipped to the side, but he still saw the Red lion, keeping pace with the rest of them and seemingly undisturbed.

“Are you sure no one can contact him?” He was met with ‘yes’s’ all around.

He hummed thoughtfully, making up his mind quickly. “I’ll go check on him then, Kosmo, come here boy!”

He decided to ignore the snickers he could hear from both Pidge and Hunk about finally deciding on a name, but it sooner turned to quiet as he was zapped to the silence of Lance’s cock pit.

A sob racked through the person in the pilots chair, so maybe it was not so silent after all.

****

Lance jolted when he felt something touch his shoulders, the low hum of words filling his ears, he tried to push away from it, but it was insistent.

His mind also wouldn’t stop buzzing, he didn’t know how to make it stop anymore. It felt like everything was slipping past his control.

And his heart was so loud, it hurt in his chest and in his throat, it was hurried and panicked. He just wanted it to stop.

“Lance.”

He just wanted it all to stop.

“Lance, come on, breath with me, please.”

The voice was muffled, but he tried to listen. It distracted him from his mind.

_In, out._

The voice became louder to him as he did, and the noise of his heartbeat became a more controlled pace.

_In, out._

He was able to let go of his forearms and feel the numb sting where his nails left impressions.

_In, out._

It was slow, and difficult, for both him and his helper, he assumed, but finally he had managed to calm down, he was finally able to breathe, the thumping of his heart barely audible over the sound of his breath. He set his legs down and looked up.

He caught the violet eyes he saw in his dreams, and gave him a small, grateful smile.

“Thanks.”

Keith sighed, seeming uncertain. “Lance…”

Lance braced himself, to be interrogated, or maybe even for Keith to just walk away, pretending as if it had never happened.

He had never felt something like that before, in such an intense way. The only this similar was when he had nightmares about his death. Even the thought alone made bile threaten his throat.

Keith would want answers from him, he might even relieve him of his duties as a paladin, say that he was unfit to react so strongly to nothing in particular.

Did he only make more of a fool of himself?

“Are you okay?”

And when he met Keith’s eyes again, they were so sincere.

He held so much weight in his gaze Lance felt pinned, he felt secured into place by something soft and safe. Warmth bloomed in his chest like rapid fire, so warm that it ached, and tears pooled in his eyes once more, but he found himself smiling.

“No.”

Keith gave him a sad smile and held out his hand. Lance took it.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He was so kind, he was soft. Lance felt no pressure, he had fallen so hard.

Most of the time it hurt, being in love with Keith. It felt like his heart was slowly being pulled from his chest, that his longing would know no bounds. It hurt to think it would always be that way.

But not this time.

“Okay.”

Keith sat him down on the small bed inside the cock pit, taking a seat next to him, careful to never break their physical connection. Lance was eternally grateful.

“I’m scared of Shiro.”

Keith was silent.

“His clone was just… I hated it and I hate that I’m afraid, but he _hated me._ He tried to kill me, probably, and… I know it will just make Shiro sad, knowing that I feel like this, but I don’t want to be scared. I’m such a horrible person, god I’m so _pathetic_ … he went through so much, and has so much trauma and _I’m_ here pretending that…”

_My problems matter._

He decided it best not to voice that last part aloud and switched topics. “I died, after saving Allura, and I… I have so many nightmares about it.”

Keith’s eyes widened comically, he seemed at a loss for words. Lance sighed, turning away.

“I shouldn’t have-“

“No, no… I’m sorry Lance, I’m not… the best… at comforting people.”

Lance snorted.

Keith ignored it. “I… I’m sorry that you feel that way about yourself. Lance…”

“What do you want to do about it?”

This made Lance pause.

He had never really thought of what he wanted to do about… well, anything. All he had wanted to do before was ignore it, and pretend it wasn’t there. But he knew it wasn’t exactly realistic.

He didn’t want to tell Shiro, he didn’t want to hurt his feelings, he didn’t want to face the fact that he was pathetic anymore than he already had to.

But he felt like he should.

He also didn’t know about telling everyone that he felt, useless, within the team. He was afraid of their reactions, but he also found himself eager for them.

“I… I don’t know, I..” He trailed off.

Keith rested a hand on his thigh, almost hesitantly, and nodded. “It’s okay, you don’t have to know now. We can figure it out… Uh, or _you_ can… or, whatever.”

Keith’s awkwardness made Lance smile, but it faded all too soon as his mind drifted back to his previous thoughts.

“I’m sorry.”

Keith seemed surprised, but he remained silent, willing Lance to go on with his gaze. He fought his own nerves.

“You… you said that you didn’t- you didn’t want to be stuck with me. And I’m…”

Keith moved the hand that had been on Lance’s thigh to his forearm, in an almost urgent way.

“I didn’t mean it.”

Lance inhaled, trying to move away. “You don’t have to lie.”

“I promise you. I didn’t mean it. You just caught me off guard, when you said I was… _the future._ ”

Lance huffed, half-heartedly wiping away his stubborn tears. He wasn’t quite sure how to find the words, he didn’t even know had wanted to tell Keith everything.

But a small part of him felt so much safer with the fact that he did, even a little bit.

“I meant it.”

He figured it was the part that was in love with him.

“I want you to see your family again.”

Lance looked at him.

Keith looked constipated with his words; it was almost funny. It would have been, but the anticipation for what he would say next felt too strong to focus on anything else.

“You have… this presence. People just, they want to trust you, like somehow they know that they can. And you care, so much, about the people around you. You’re forgiving, and you just… you _know_ people, in a way I never could.”

Keith continued, each word finding a small place inside Lance’s heart and making its home there.

“You’re like the backbone of our team… or… the heart. I would have never been half the leader I am now if it weren’t for you. And I know how much you miss your family; I wouldn’t want anyone to take away your chance of seeing them again.”

Keith looked into his eyes, and Lance could see how much he meant it, every word he spoke. Lance breathed out deeply and lent forward, his head landed on Keith’s chest. He smiled.

“I love you so much.”

And he hadn’t meant to say it, he really hadn’t, but he had been feeling so much. He had meant it too, so, so strongly. He loved Keith fiercely, and deeply.

And maybe he was an idiot, but when Keith breathed out a quiet ‘really?’ of disbelief, he felt he had maybe done the smartest thing ever in his life.

“Yeah.”

Or maybe that had been Red’s influence because as her presence drifted further to the back of his mind he felt his own panic set in and-

“I love you too, God I love you too.” 

He sat up, uncomprehending.

“What?”

Keith smiled, shaking his head. “I said that I loved you too, I have for a while.”

Lance sniffled and turned his head away, cheeks surely a glowing red. He thought for a moment, but he found his brain far too exhausted to form even a coherent sentence, and he deflated, falling dramatically back onto Keith.

“I’m too tired to even think about what you just said.”

Keith laughed. “You’re ridiculous.”

Lance grinned, still strewn across Keith’s shoulder. He reached his hand out, Keith grabbing it almost immediately, intertwining their fingers.

“So are you Mr. tall, dark and half cat alien.”

Keith smiled again, shaking his head softly, meeting Lance’s eyes.

Lance had always loved Keith’s eyes, even before he knew he loved _him._ He looked at them and he saw the stars, the beautiful vastness of space.

Truth be told, Keith’s eyes were far more lovely than all the stars in the world, though he would never voice it.

Lance wondered if Keith also liked his eyes, because when he stopped to pay attention, Keith was observing them on bated breath. His teeth poked through his smile.

Keith’s gaze dropped to see it.

“Keith.”

Their faces were so close, Lance could almost believe this was a dream, if his dreams didn’t usually _suck._

He could feel Keith’s warm breath fan across his nose when they leaned slightly closer, making it tickle. Keith’s eyebrows drew up.

“Lance… can I…?”

Lance rolled his eyes, trying his best not to show the desperate feeling that was clawing at his chest, but his mouth ran faster than he could think.

“I swear to _god_ if you don’t right now-“

Slightly chapped lips pressed to his, silencing him.

At first, Lance was taken aback by the sudden intenseness of the feeling, chest bubbling giddily. The angle was a little awkward, and Lance was sure he tasted salty and wet from his tears. Admittedly, it was far from the perfect kiss, where people felt fireworks, and seemed to mould into one another.

This kiss was not that. It was nervous and excited and messy. There were no fireworks, Lance felt snotty and gross, but when Keith tentatively brought his hand up to cup Lance’s jaw, swiping his calloused thumb across his damp cheeks, 

He found that he didn’t care about whether it was perfect or not, because he _loved_ it.

They broke apart reluctantly, resting their foreheads together with a smile.

“Mm, I do love you a lot.”

Keith’s smile widened. “I know.”

Lance scoffed, “Did you just Han Solo me?” He slapped Keith’s arm half-heartedly.

Keith’s only response was to press soft kisses along his cheekbones, making Lance turn a slight shade of pink.

He nuzzled into where Keith’s hand was still resting on the side of his face, before pulling further away, making a move to stand. His attention moved over to the comms.

Keith stood as well. “The others were worried when you turned off your comms, Hunk was about to cry.”

It made Lance beam, he turned to face Keith. “Oh, and you weren’t worried?”

Keith scoffed, giving him a meaningful look. “No, of course not. Why would I worry about you? We’re only in the unknown territory of space while you are in your lion alone.”

Lance smiled, making Keith blush slightly. He snorted at his bashful expression.

Keith shoved softly at his arm, carful of his slight injury. Lance could almost swoon at the sweet gesture.

“Aww Keithy poo, how sweet you are.”

Lance held his breath for a moment, seeing the disgust crawl across Keith’s features, and he burst into laughter, almost doubling over.

“God, never mind, I take it back, you’re the worst.” 

Maybe, before, he would have been hurt by those words, but there was something ever present in Keith’s gaze, it could only be described as _fond._ So Lance could only feel warmth by his teasing.

The tingling on his lips made him only feel fuzzy.

Still, he pressed a hand to his chest in mock offence, putting on a wounded expression. “Keith! I’m, like, emotionally vulnerable right now!”

And wasn’t that a thought.

****

When Lance had composed himself enough, he took his seat back in the pilots chair, switching on the comms.

Keith had decided to stay with him as well, keeping a hand on the back of his chair. It made Lance smile, feeling comforted.

Everyone else’s face lit up when their eyes landed on Lance, then darting to Keith behind him. “Lance! Oh my gosh, you guys are alive!” Hunk gasped out, collapsing onto his dashboard. It made Lance laugh.

Pidge huffed, crossing her arms. “You guys got us all worried over nothing. Jerks.”

“Please keep your comms connected Lance, for goodness sake I would have died of fright if you had been a minute longer.” He smiled at Allura when she caught his eye, she shook her head fondly.

“Are you okay?”

When Lance caught Shiro’s eyes, he still did flinch, nothing much had changed in that regard, but he found himself wanting less to escape. He blamed Keith presence behind him as the reason.

But even if he had flinched still, or even though he would probably be afraid of blinding light for a very long time, or even though he still felt that the team would be better without him,

He finally felt like he could be that; okay.

He met Keith’s eyes briefly, and the soft, and almost encouraging smile on his face made him blush, feeling all the warmer for it.

When he turned back to his friends, they all seemed mildly concerned, almost on edge waiting for his answer, and Lance could see it, in their eyes, the worry they had for his wellbeing.

_They all care._

_Red wants me as her paladin._

_And Keith loves me back? Are you kidding?_

Red purred loudly in his mind, and his heart beat sat at a normal pace, his smile wide and genuine.

“I will be.”

The others seemed a little confused at his declaration, but he knew what it meant.

So did Keith.

He knew it would take time, and bad days, and probably lots of tears, but there was still a possibility, and people who loved him.

Though maybe he did still feel really awful, but he had hope where it wasn’t there before, he knew he had support.

 _And_ , Lance thought to himself, _that was enough_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!
> 
> So here concludes this fic :) 
> 
> I'm sorry for being so late, I had wanted to pre - write all of the chapters before I posted this but I ended up getting excited :((( 
> 
> I also had to re-watch some episodes to make things more accurate to the shows narrative and for some reason I procrastinated doing that a lot. 
> 
> So I thank all of those who had still managed to stick around!! 
> 
> Again, I would like to say I have never had a panic attack before, so I don't know what its like, and I possible portrayed it inaccurately. I am very sorry if I did so. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!! And I hope you have a wonderful week!!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading! 
> 
> So I may have referenced Yuga,,, cause I love him :)
> 
> Also I'll be doing different characters for each chapter, the last one being Keith.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


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